You are Umbro. You are a venerable manufacturer of sportswear, and you enjoy an exclusive deal with the England team which, in World Cup year, is effectively a licence to print money. You are about to launch the England away strip, the red one made famous by Bobby Moore as he lifted the Jules Rimet trophy in a iconic image that the English will never let anyone forget. So who do and where do you pick to launch it? David Beckham at Wembley? Wayne Rooney at Old Trafford? John Terry at Relate?
No, don’t be stupid. That’s what they expect you to do. Some blue-sky thinking and bosh! There it is! It’s been starting you in the fucking face. You’ll get Kasabian to launch it! At a gig! In France!
I’m not making this up.
Yes, lumpen lad-rockers Kasabian were chosen to do the launch and did so when Tom Meighan walked on wearing it before their encore, dicked about like a prat in it for a few moments and then the band started up again. The crowd, stunned by the sheer ludicrousness of the situation, either stood silently or booed ferociously.
Meighan explained the concept; Umbro, y’see, had wanted to launch England’s away kit away from England. And they had wanted to associate it with rock’n’roll. So Kasabian. France. Ticked all the boxes.
Where do you begin?
Firstly, a gig is no place for any sort of football-related tomfoolery. Football is a wonderful thing, but it is about division, rivalry and competitiveness. Music should be about bringing people together. Wearing a national top in a country with whom you’ve had a historical enmity dating back centuries is just perverse.
Secondly, what was the point? Were the French to look up and gasp, awe-struck by the power of the mystical red jersey? It was every boorish English cliché you’ve ever hated wrapped into one today package.
And finally, Kasabian – you whores. We all have to make a buck, but this craven corporate cocksucking has proven, once and for all, you are the pathetic little by-the-numbers soulless bloke rock we always assumed you were.
Kasabian, were they a football fan, would be a shaven-headed one in Union Jack undergarments drinking John Smith in a Spanish bar whilst watching videotapes of ‘Only Fools and Horses’. They are everything that is wrong with the English image (as opposed to personality; the English are lovely people.) And whichever marketing genius came up with the whole scheme – you’re either a Dadaist genius or a coked-up fool. We really hope it’s the latter.
(PS We’ll be supporting the Ivory Coast at the finals.)
Filed under: General Stuff Tagged: | beckham, england kit, kasabian, paris, umbro, world cup
My personal favourite football/rock gaffe happened at the old Glasgow Apollo many years ago. Sham 69, proletariat lumpen punk-lite oafs were doing a tour following a quiet spell to try and shake off their violent skinhead following.
They came on stage in Glasgow, dropped the back curtain and revealed their new backdrop……
“Sham 69, No Surrender”.
Yes, in Glasgow. In the seventies. Cue bloodbath.
If I remember correctly, The Grateful Dead sponsored the 1992 Lithuanian Olympic Basketball Team (as well as the ’96 team?) by supplying them with TIE-DYED uniforms. This was a marriage of Sports and Music that reeked of AWESOMNESS!
See? That’s just undeniably cool. Jerry Garcia was fantastic.
Whippet – god bless Jimmy Pursey!
I think it is important to try and avoid masked,indirect communication ; Umbro should really just have unveiled a gigantic banner on the moon which read ” Hey , garlic munching surrender monkeys, we still have the Dunkirk spirit and you lot always capitulate before a frogs leg is fried in anger….and by the way , anything youve done in world football terms counts for nothing because your “french” team was chock full of johnny foreigners unlike engerlands boys , all born within the sound of bow bells. Sort of.”
I was at the gig whippet refers to , it was actually a tribute band called Sham 1690.
I know footballs not allowed but I couldnt resist.
I actually laughed out loud at that!
Is anything worse than bands playing Glasgow in a kilt though?
Unless our Jo Callis out The Rezillos, which IS acceptable.
No, it isn’t. Kilts are only to be worn at weddings. Anyone wearing one at any time other than weddings should be beaten with shortbread tins.
That is fucking MAGIC. I didn’t need another reason to hate Kasabian, but they just keep chucking them over the wall any way.
To be fair to them if your ultimate aim…the highest achievement you could imagine….is crossing late period Oasis with a Happy Mondays b side, then you do have a great chance of meeting all your objectives.
Saw them on the Brits last nght (my other half, I know, the Man U game was on too) and fuck sake, what a bunch of losers. That skinny guitarist wih the Rickenbacker, I could never tire of punching fuck out of him. And aren’t they ugly? Jesus….
Song was instantly forgettable. Peoples band? Neds band more like.
They are the aural equivalent of Radio 1 – massively popular but no-one you know would ever dream of listening to it.