Extreme Listening Mode!

People, as Depeche Mode once so sagely noted, are people. Similarly unarguable are the merits of the Friday 5. ‘Ver 5′, as no-one calls it, can cover pretty much anything; it’s subject matters are as free range as Jamie Oliver’s dream chicken. Today we felt we’d go a bit Yellow Pages and prove sometimes we’re here only for the nasty things in life (there’s one for the teenagers.)

Life is full of minor irritations, things which are sent to try us and bloody well do. Great artists, bad artists; they are two cheeks of the same arse. And while you’ll take the quid pro quo that for every Tom Waits there must be a Bono, it doesn’t make it any easier to take when the pious Irish pixie is warbling on about whatever good cause has fluttered into his inbox this week. But it’s not just people; fashion, genres, album artwork….there is simply no end of the amount of things which can get right on your bell-end and set up camp. Here’s a few of ELM’s favourite hates;

Chipmunk Rap Vocals 
Fucking Akon. I know that beginning is neither big nor clever, but it’s deeply apt. He achieved, along with whichever bright spark decided mobile phones should have speakers – way to go, you Nokia bastards – the almost impossible feat of making chavs more annoying. MORE annoying! It’s like making cheese more cheesy. Whereas before gangs of feral youths could be iignored, now they rampage round city centres and public transport blasting out drippy rnb which sound as though they are being belted out by Alvin and his brothers. His song ‘Lonely’ is beyond novelty, and instead lapses into sheer undiluted hate crime. The man should be beaten to a bloody pulp with a 1980′s mobile phone. That’d teach him.

All American Punk since 1992
American Punk was actually a really rather interesting thing back in the day. How could it not be? Ramones & Television mutating into Black Flag and Húsker Dú before we got Sonic Youth and Nirvana? Sign me up. But then, in the post-grunge explosion, it got bought, re-packaged and sold in much more agreeable sizes. Suddenly, you had a raft of big-short wearing, mohawk spouting arsewits complaining about having to do chores and girls called Julie who wouldn’t dance with them. Wheatus, Bowling For Soup, Angels and Airwaves – utter shite. The very worst thing about them is that they look at the pop charts – which they are in – and cock a snooky sneer at their compatriots. Listen guys, you are Leona Lewis with guitars. You are very popular, but so was National Socialism and that didn’t make it right.

Brandon Flowers
 If Bono is a pudding – and he is – then his tiresome mini-me is even worse. Strange as it is to recall, but when the Killers first emerged they were great. Huge tunes, plenty of genuine emotion, 80′s synths….magic. And then they got famous and fame shot like a bullet to the head of the world’s most rocking Mormon and, much as a real bullet would have, killed him. In his place came this walking cock, all gold lame suits, bad moustaches, dodgy pretensions and irritatingly certain of his self-worth. Perhaps not coincedentally, the two albums since issued by his band have been utter bilge, half-baked U2-meets-Springsteen begging letters to play stadiums. A man in serious need of a good slap and a pint.

Top of the Pops not being on anymore
In a fair and just world, this simply wouldn’t have been allowed to happen. I KNOW nobody watched it at the end. I KNOW they employed Fearne Cotton, a woman so untalented she makes you think they might have the right idea with Guantanamo Bay, just the wrong people. It doesn’t matter. TOTP should always be there, a great British institution, another in the endless line of things we never use but are glad they are there. Things like that are what made Britain great. Now, back to Fearne Cotton. What’s the fucking point of that woman?

Booking Fees
Now, I’m being harsh here. Ticketmaster are absolutely correct to charge us for the privilege of actually selling us a ticket. Just surprised it hasn’t caught on anywhere else. Imagine going into Tesco and the check-out girl saying ‘it’ll be 49p for the soup and 20p for me agreeing to sell it to you. Oh, and if you want multiple tins, there will be a charge on each one’? Seriously, I do wish ugly children and severe and uncontrollable anal leakage on every single Ticketmaster executive. They are such utter cocksucking little Satans, sent to suck the simple joy of gig-going away from you. Why do we put up with this?

Well, we try to keep it positive round here, but occasionally we get overwhelmed by the boorish ineptitude surrounding the world and today was one such time. however, TFI folks, TFI. Enjoy your weekend and we’ll see you back here next week. Let’s be careful out there….

Filed under: Friday Fives, Regular Features Tagged: | Akon, All American Punk, angels and airwaves, Black Flag, bono, Bowling For Soup, Brandon Flowers, Friday 5, Husker Du, Nirvana, Ramones, Sonic Youth, Television, The Killers, ticketmaster, Wheatus