As sure as night follows day, as plain as a Dido album, as inevitable as David Mitchell on a panel show, yes folks, it’s Friday again. And ELM celebrates Friday in but one way – the weekly bonanza that is the Friday 5.
For this week’s 5, we decided to look at some musical myths, specifically sexual ones. ELM has been big on the drugs and the rock’n'roll in our short life, so we thought we’d go for the third point of the classic trio. Let us just say here that we are primed to believe most things which come out of the mouth of our favourite stars. Why not? It is much more fun that way.
Mick and Marianne’s Mars Madness
When cops raided the big-lipped Stones frontman’s pad in 1968, a scene of Bacchanalian excess greeted them. Reports of drugged-crazed, naked people viciously copulating like demented yahoos in ‘Gulliver’s Travels’. At the centre of this vileness was Jagger, who in the midst of all the shagging, had apparently felt the need for a snack. And, sensible lad he was, he decided to go for a bar of chocolate. Makes sense; they tell you to take some when hill walking to boost energy.
Obviously influenced by Mars seminal advertising slogan ‘A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play’ (though very technically it hadn’t been thought up yet) he selected the delicious confectionary treat. But this was 1968; Jagger was friggin’ rock royalty. He wasn’t using his hands to hold it like a sucker. Oh, no, instead he placed it firmly in the only place he could – his girlfriend Marianne Faithfull’s vagina – and proceeded to munch.
All rubbish, of course. ‘A cop’s idea of what would happen at a sordid party’ according to Faithfull, but it moved into public consciousness to the degree that I still picture her whenever I hear ‘Girl From Mars’ by Ash. Also spawned the concept of the ‘mars bar party’, which was the fake sexual experience older boys used to bully younger boys for not knowing about when I was a kid, sort of that generation’s angry pirate.
Sting and his Seemingly Inexhaustible Penis
We’ve all done it. Drunk with a mate, having a good time and talking bollocks. And then, you’ve said something really, really stupid and you can’t take it back. Years later, your mates are still taunting you about the time you told them about stabbing yourself in the ball with a pencil.
Well, it was worse for Sting. During a drunken lunch/interview with Bob Geldof for Q, Sting announced that he was a practitioner of tantric sex, a style which apparently involved holding in your dirty yop for five hours before finishing the job. It seemed a bit much, frankly, and nothing new – EVERY bloke tries this tantric sex thingy, it’s just we kind of lose the train of thought after about 15 seconds and blast off regardless.
As to whether it is true or not, sadly I’d have to hazard a guess that it isn’t. Given Trudy Styler’s perennially miserable demeanour, you’d have to conclude if she was being regularly banged for 5 hours a time she’d bit a bit more likely to crack a smile.
Shane MacGowan is a Chick Magnet
Ladies always say that they go for men who make them laugh. And ugly, poor, funny men know that they are lying. But Shane MacGowan seemed to disprove it. Lyrically, the guy is a comedy genius. And he has attracted some seriously attractive young ladies in his time. Indeed, his long-time partner, Victoria, is a former Miss Ireland.
To illustrate how completely wonderful music’s best drunk is, here is a true story. Victoria, justifiably pissed at how wasted he constantly is/was, left him and during their break had a thing with short-arsed soulster Van Morrison. MacGowan documented this tryst on the track ‘Victoria’ which contained the line -
‘Victoria, left me in opium euphoria, with a fat monk singing ‘Gloria’.
That’s just great, that. It was worth her leaving him just so he could write that.
Led Zeppelin and Alternate Fishing
You know the one; groupies flinging themselves at the Zep left, right and centre and, frankly, it got boring. Jimmy Page (allegedly) got into younger models, while the rest just began to see the women who followed them as meat. Antics which included attempting to get one to shag a Great Dane (dog, not Peter Schmeical) culminated in the Red Roof Inn story.
To wit; this hotel, whilst being below the grandeur of the usual Led Zep haunt had one big advantage, namely that guests could fish from their bedrooms into a stream which passed below. In walk a few groupies and, well, you know where this is going.
The band’s former Tour manager Richard Cole gets most of the blame for the fish-fucking, but he did claim to have shouted ‘I’m shoving this red snapper up your red snapper!’ at the groupie, so fair’s fair.
Gene Simmons Claims to Have Slept With 4000 Women
Undeniably true. He was in KISS, for fucks sake.
So, the weekend beckons ever closer. ELM hopes you have taken some inspiration from this article, but remember, play safe; if you are going to indulge in anything, wrap the fish in a Tesco bag first. You don’t know where she’s been.
Take care!
Filed under: Friday Fives Tagged: | faithfull, fishfucking, jagger, kiss, Led Zeppelin, macgowan, mars bars, red snapper, sting
What about the drummer from Supergrass and the primrose hill wife-swapping scandal? Never really confirmed, but never denied.
I mean it was alright for his bird – she got to shag Jude Law, but he had to make do with Sadie Frost. Who wants Gary Kemp’s sloppy seconds? Think I’d rather shag the snapper, frankly.
Hope she checked where Jude Law had been.