Extreme Listening Mode!

We are a curious lot, us humans. Forever searching, always looking for answers to things that puzzle us. Indeed, our very existence is riddled with questions from the get go. Why are we here? What is our purpose? Who commissioned another series of Big Brother?

And music is no different. Rock music, in all its glory, is a swirling torrent of unanswered questions. Some of the greatest songs of all time have been riven with conflict, driven on by a striving to know more, to not be bound by the chains of orthodox thinking. It’s powerful stuff - made more heartbreaking by the sheer fruitlessness of the search. It can be so close, but the answer remains out of reach.

Until now. ELM like to shine a torch where there was darkness, to inform where before there was only ignorance, to entertain when before there was only Countdown.  Selflessly, we will perform an Oracle-like service and answer those questions. We do this not because we can, but because we feel we should. We sincerely hope this helps;

Gerry and the Pacemakers - ‘How do you do what you do to me?’

Ah, Gerry Marsden, ostensibly chipper Liverpudlian who fails to hide his sheer bewilderment that the Beatles went onto everlasting fame and he went onto play the Phoenix Club. This one is simple. Because you are a perma-grinning Scouse berk who has never got through 25 minutes of life without mentioning the words ‘Hamburg’, ‘John’ or ‘Cavern’, then I suspect what you are asking people is how do they go about bagging the faeces which they throw at you to satisfy your shit-eating grin. The answer is ‘with difficulty, but it is worth it.’

Michael Bolton - ‘How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends?’

ELM goes round to Mikey’s house. ELM cracks open six pack, hands one to Mikey. ELM looks Mikey in the eye. ELM spells it out thusly; ‘Take the fucking hint mate. She thinks you are a dick.’ And no wonder. To paraphrase Mrs Doyle, van you imagine Bolton leering down at you, his land in his hand, wanting you to debase yourself? Go on, get a good mental picture. And if his pubic coiffure is similar to his barnet, well….

Travis - ‘Why does it always rain on me?’

There’s a temptingly short answer to this which ends in a very rude swear word, but we will steer clear of that, and instead focus on the actual reason. You are Scottish. You live in Scotland. It always rains here. It isn’t difficult, Fran my boy.

Bob Dylan - ‘How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?’

One. The man who walks to the 24 hour garage at 2am on a Saturday night for cigarettes is always, fundamentally, the man. That is bravery.

Band Aid - ‘Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?

A curious one this and no mistake. Not ‘do they know it is Christmas time?’ but ‘do they know it’s Christmas time at all?’ indicating that the poor Ethiopians have some knowledge that it is going on, but not the full picture. Maybe that’s the answer - ‘Hello, Mr. Geldof, I know something is happening, big red bloke, turkey, ‘Vicar of Dibley’ special….but no, I couldn’t put a name to it’.

The Mock Turtles - ‘Can you dig it?’

Ah! A double meaning. Well, Mr. Turtles, if you are asking me in a groovy 60’s musical stylee, no, no I can’t. You are an abysmal bunch of baggy bandwagon jumping nonentities and although this toon has a superficial charm, it quickly wares off and sends the listener haring back to their copy of ‘Made of Stone’. And if you are asking me in a horticultural sense, then no, no I can’t because tending your garden will give you something to do now your music career has hit the back of the toilet bowl.

The Zutons - ‘Why won’t you come all over Valerie?’

Hey, I never said I wouldn’t be willing to…..what do you mean that isn’t the real lyric?

Any other questions which have been bothering the rock fraternity which we need answered? Because remember, here at ELM, we believe that they would have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids….