Extreme Listening Mode!

Good day to y’all, and sing hosannas, ’tis Friday. Yes, the Lord has blessed us with another weekend, with all the attendant promise and possibilities that it offers. And, as if that wasn’t enough, NOT ONLY have the mighty Hold Steady announced a UK Tour, but so have the excellent Cold War Kids and current faves Fleet Foxes. With that in mind, ELM’s mind turned to gigs and how wonderful they are. And then, being a fairly misanthropic type, it turned to how there is always some bastard there to ruin it. Indeed, we wrote about this a while back, but this still troubles us.  You know the sorts – the ones who just seem to have no sense of etiquette or embarrassment, dedicated to getting right on your titties, causing you to want to hurl the nearest available fire extinguisher in their general direction. (You don’t, of course; you seethe inwardly, wishing all manner of illness and injury on them, maintaining a calm outward facade and hoping that your stern look will convey your disapproval; it’s the British way.) So here is this weeks 5;

1. Talking during quiet songs – ELM is not calling for a blanket ban on speaking at gigs. That would be silly. No, ELM’s ire is reserved for those muppets who wait til the quietest bit of the loveliest song before deciding to turn to their mate and regale them with a tale about how the Bourne Supremacy was on Sky Movies the other night and isn’t as good as the first one. I once had the good fortune to see Sigur Ros perform a magnificent show in Edinburgh. Some of the moments of ethereal beauty were almost other-worldly in their magnificence. And so, of course, some walking haircut decided to tell his friend about how Harvey Nickels were having a sale and listed the savings he’d made. Why would you do that? Why pay money to go and see a fabulous band and do that? You prick?

2. Synchronised Dancing – Many charismatic frontmen have certain shapes to throw during gigs, particularly arena and stadium bands who can’t simply get away with plugging in and playing. It’s all part of the show, and in fairness to each audience, they tend to replicate it most nights. Whether that is against the spirit of spontaneity is another argument. I recall seeing Michael Stipe doing some obviously rehearsed and co-ordinated moves at a show in 1999. So, sadly, did the girl next to me, who’d clearly spent many an hour watching them and then practicing them, except she was skittering around like an arthritic elephant who’d become inebriated after eating rotting fruit. On and on and on she went. Until they played a new song. That fucked her.

3. Exhorters – Sometimes at a gig, it’s just not enough to be enjoying the music at a show. You just aren’t demonstrating enough commitment to the cause, man. So that’s when a guy, always a guy, decides to exhort you to give more. ‘Dance you bastards! COME ON!’ is the cry. Quite why the feel the need to cheerlead is beyond me, but there you go. Usually best to avoid eye contact with these nutters.

4. The Perennial Requester – I actually feel sorry for these blokes. One song, just one song they are desperate for. Would it be so much trouble for the band to play it? Yes, usually. They start off all nice and quiet, just the odd shout, but by an hour in, as they realise that the band are not going to change their set-list and go for it, it becomes a tsunami of pleading. It never works.

5. Fat Lass on Skinny Blokes Shoulders – Always waving like an imbecile, flabby chebs in imminent danger of popping out. And it’s not that they block your view – you can always move round them – but that they bloke a whole rows view because they are tottering about as the poor bugger is in serious danger of collapsing under his wildebeest of a girlfriend’s weight. Surely it breaches H&S?

Well, that’s a moan, but lets face it, gigs are still great! Have a good one ELMers!