Had the misfortune to be in one of them Irish theme bars last night. Always faintly depressing places, full of ersatz ‘Oirish’ tat that you suspect any actual Dubliner would be offended by – brushes and bikes hanging on walls, the whole place done up like some corporate designer’s idea of what an authentic Irish bar looked like in 1922. They also tend to be full of louts consuming the latest bottle of dayglo tart fuel being sold at ludicrously low prices. But most of all, they seem to have the same music on a loop, and seem to have done so since they first started spring up in the early 90′s.
You know the drill; first on ‘Pride (In The Name Of Love) segueing into a bit of Van Morrison. Then to diversify a bit ‘Real Gone Kid’ by Deacon Blue enters the arena, before the ‘Irish Rover’, always the ‘Irish Rover’. You might, at this point, get a bit of the Fratellis before ‘The Whole of the Moon’ and the inevitable ‘Don’t Go’ by Hothouse Flowers. It is, one must say, a rare occasion if you were to get some other, less accessible bands from the Emerald Isle. I would happily listen to a few choice cuts from the Fatima Mansions or even Therapy? Still, mustn’t scare the punters.
I just wonder, is there a central place where playlists for bars get decided? A sort of 1984-style faceless building, where a Winston sits looking at the order and responding appropriately? ‘Wine Bar, bit trendy, Sarf London; prescribe Simply Red, Wilson Phillips, Beverly Craven, Sade, KT Tunstall. 80′s Theme Bar, sells inflatables, stupid cocktails on sale? Prescribe Cyndi Lauper, Dire Straits, Shakin’ Stevens and Yazz.’ If this is the case, I volunteer to do any bar which wants to set up as an alt.country bar. I’m not too sure what the decor would be like – old copies of ‘No Depression’ scattered around the place and lots of check shirts, I suppose – but we could have a right laugh. Bit of Son Volt, some Nadine, a few Jayhawks….it wouldn’t be that busy, but it would be THE place to be seen. If you like alt.country, to be fair. Not much use to you if not.
Filed under: General Stuff | Tagged: bars, music, pubs, U2
What would we call the metaphoric Alt. Country bar?
What would the door policy be?
Dress code? (obvious that one, I guess)
Any special cocktails??
No Corrs or Bewitched, What the fuck!
It does beg the question, what “in the name of love” were you doing in that quim-bile infested hovel in the first place you fucking amateur?
I believe the proper etiquette in such a situation is to proclaim your superiority by hopping onto the Guinness soaked bar, dropping your kecks whilst squatting in one fluid motion to curl out a nice steamy batch of cookie dough, and that is exactly what I told the judge.
Whilst I abhor the theme pub in all its various forms I can understand their adherence to the sheeples mantra, it’s a numbers business and until such a time as “When I am king, you will be first against the wall” and all those fuckwits are rounded up and shot, they will continue to frequent the temples of tat.
Do yourself a favour and find yourself a boozer which plays the kind of music you like, there aren’t all that many but the ones there are, are filled with like-minded sensible folk who will be running the new order and standing next to you as you pump round after round into Burberry.
Toodles
Begorrah and begobs, that sounds like a quare auld night was had by ya there, to be sure, to be sure.
By the holy, though, you’ll now better than to go traipsing into those sorts a dens of iniquity in the future now boyo, won’t ya?
And there wasn’t even a wee bit o’ Daniel O’Donnell to be had the whole time whilst you were there? Tis a grand shame that. A grand shame altogether.
Chucky – twas a friends birthday, and his choice.
LO – exactly my point. Happy to imbibe a few in an actual bar in Ireland, but hate the fakeness of these bars – I bet you don’t have Scottish Bars in Dublin, do you?!
Howlin – I think I’d call it The Screen Door.
Door policy would be no-one under 25 and one check shirt per party minimum.
Dress code – see above.
Cocktails – A Tenesee Tearjerker – basically just a bottle of Jack!
I wanna GOOOOOOO! Where is it? lol – and check is very “in” this summer don’cha know? heheh. I know of no such place in Glasgow – the Ben Nevis is filled with what I think are the oldest men in Scotland and their dogs, and they love country. Though if you ask nicely in Lebowski’s they’ll play anything you like, sometimes live if the barman’s in the mood….
As for why/how they choose the drivel Glasgow listens to, see below….
http://www.informaworld.com/smpp/content~content=a789799003~db=all~jumptype=rss
Hope it works.
Let me know if any of you decide to actually open a bar like this – or if you find one.
Id call my alt. country bar ” whiskeytown ” ; that works best, though it would also be tempting to call it ” The Horse-leg Swastika ” .
door policy – no laughing on the way in. and dont turn up sober.
dress code – the proprieter ( me) shall be the sole arbitor on the night ; some nights youll get in dressed like one of lynyrd skynyrd , some nights you wont – and will have to go home and come back dressed as a bad seed or a jayhawk circa ” hollywood town hall “. How am I supposed to know how Ill feel about what youre wearing days/weeks/months in advance?
cocktails list ? there isnt one. we only serve beer or gin.
The Horse Leg Swastika is pretty good. Incidentally, I saw an older guy out last night wearing a t-shirt that on first glance looked like it had a german beer advert on it, y’know, gothic-print lettering, eagle logo etc etc….but it said, I kid you not, “Fallschirm” at the top of the logo and “jager” bellow. As I’m sure you know, this is the name and logo of the Nazi’s paratrooper corps.
I would have kicked his cunt in, but he was massive.
Beer and Gin? Gin’s for girls.
And whippet – couldn’t you have just done the manly thing and hit him from behind?
if you dont want the gin then drink the beer, and dont come in here dressed like phil lynott again……
” the whole of the moon” is one of slim dustys all-time favourite songs ; I hate the idea of anyone in a corporate bar even listening to it.
Anyone fancy starting an alt.country bar-night called ” horse-leg swastika ” ?….could be good but might attract some clientele who would impresse on us the need to play some Skrewdriver or a abit of Ska.
Im going to get ” mick jager ” t-shirts for all the bar staff, Ill only employ bar staff of irish-nazi descent.
Skrewdriver’s first single (“Antisocial”) is on Chiswick Records and was in their proto-punk, pre-nazi past. It’s a great fucking record. I tried to sell it on ebay a few years ago and got a 28 day eBay ban for “promoting nazi idealogy”.
I kid you not.
People at work love this story.
Crypto-fascist!