Extreme Listening Mode!

It’s Glastonbury this week folks. And even though the nights are drawing in and the credit crunch is biting, it is sure to be a wonderful experience as usual. The line-up may be tosh, the Eavises may be more up their own arse than Leslie Grantham’s finger but there is the special magic and air of mystery which surrounds it. Me, I think that may just be the odour of the patrons, but what do I know? ELM is booked up for one festival, Connect at Inverary Castle, though had bought our tickets before the line-up was announced and probably wouldn’t have rushed to Ticketmaster had we seen it, but hey-ho, there was an oxygen tent and a steady stream of Tuborg last year, so let’s make the best of it. Plus, Kasabian are playing, and we are already wondering what the prize is for the first one to throw a bottle of piss just so that it lands on a live mic and causes some damage. Not really. Well, maybe a bit really.

So, armed with your Baby Wipes, ill-fitting waterproofs and amusing-if-impractical wellies, we head off to our festival of choice. Not just us, but the whole gamut of music followers. You really do get all sorts at one of these events, which is great. It can reinforce prejudices, help you make new enemies and generally provide you with a snapshot of why people are doomed as a species. And there is a bad side too, but we will gloss over that.

So here goes the Essential ELM guide to who you’ll see fumbling at a festival this season. Remember, a lot of these people are young, and may adapt. Others have no such excuse. Proceed with extreme caution…..

Professional hippy – Glastonbury-faves, these wacky, kerrazy funsters POINT BLANK REFUSE TO KOW-TOW TO THE MAN, MAN. Except when signing on. Dirtier than a cocaine and treacle orgy with Christina Aguilera, they play didgeridoos and smoke foul-smelling weed, while embracing the cosmos and lying down in front of trucks to stop roads. Very conscious of the futility of avarice, yet always seem to have enough cash for a Special Brew. Often to be seen at Levellers gigs, ELM’s view that all white people with dreadlocks are unsalvageable cunts is primarily based on people like these. And we stand by it folks.

Kewl Middle-Class Indie Kids – Like, Olly totally got this old hippy record from his Uncle, yeah? Like, The Stone Roses, yeah? Sounds a bit like Kasabian? But not as good, obviously? And Natasha, like, went to see this gig at the Carling, and it was, like, totally crazy? The Kooks were total riot squad. And we had like Diesel, which is, like, a cocktail for rock shows? But, like, my Mum got me tickets for Sex and the City The Movie, and I was all ‘Mother!’ because that was like, soooo 5 years ago? I mean, I’ll go, but just because, like, they are so me?

Mid-30′s Couple with kids and/or dog – Seriously. What the fuck do you think you are doing? Your kid does not want to see Vashti Bunyan. And if he does, he literally has no fucking chance of surviving this society of ours. Stop being so gauche and confident! You offend me! And get his fucking hair cut. Jesus. That people died in wars to let you live this way makes me sad.

Pissed up gang of teenage boys – I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG! IT’S MAGIC! I’M DANCING! FUCK IT, I’M GOING DOWN THE FRONT! BLEUUUUUURGH! Fuck, don’t remember eating that…..

Irritating Teenage Couple in Love – So young and happy. Cunts. There’s nothing to look forward to, you know. it’s all downhill from here. He really wants to go and see Elbow love, he’s merely pretending to want to see the Pigeon Detectives because he wants to finger your dirty doughnut. Once he’s done it til he’s bored, next year you will be in that Slam Tent on your own while he’s off enjoying something else which you don’t get. And he’ll mock you for that. Run while you can!

Fat Lass Getting Her Massive Wobbly Norrks Out – Always one. Always alabaster white, always looks like what I imagine Robert Maxwell’s body looked like when they found him. Nobody wants to see it love. Do us all a favour.

I can’t wait!

Filed under: General Stuff Tagged: | Connect, dirty doughnut, festival, Glastonbury, indie, kasabian, Leeds, levellers, Pigeon Detectives, Reading, T in the Park