I’d like to start a debate amongst the loyal ELM masses about who deserves the above epithet most. It can be for a staggering lack of originality, it can be for arrogance unfettered by realisation of actual ability, it can be just because you think they are a bit of an arse. Here are a few contenders;
Elton John - Early 70’s efforts notwithstanding, is there any reason why Britain’s top football-loving homosexual is still making money now? With his shrillness, his lack of humour at people shouting ‘woo-hoo’ at him and, of course, the constant crying (oh, the crying) Elton has done nothing of note since ‘I’m Still Standing’. And that was rubbish. As for Candle In The Wind 97? I am pretty sure that if an alien race were poised to take over the planet, we should simply play them that and they would think ‘cloying sentimental idiots! Not worth invading!’ and move on. Or more likely just obliterate us. Which would be Elton’s fault. See? He’s a cunt.
Jack Johnson - Honestly, he’s sold millions. No, really. And why? Lazy arsed, one melody surf doodles, while he holds a board and pretends he could get in the water with it. To speak in surf-bum parlance, I’m like, whoah, Jack, you suck cock so hard you could, like, be like, a Grade A fluffer? It’s the aural equivalent of Teddy Ruxpin - unthreatening, safe, fucking eerie in it’s wholesomeness. The future looks like this. Be afraid.
Dido - Eminem claims to have done a lot of bad things in his youth. Nothing Marshall, NOTHING, is as bad as inflicting this walking can of Dulux Once on us. The sound of creeping, inevitable mortality and, ironically, something which makes you welcome it. Music should NOT be an accompaniment to a coffee table. Though the table is more interesting.
Katie Melua - A personal favourite. Christ, she is annoying. A voice as sexy as sticking your knob in a tub of Vaporex before rubbing it with a cheese grater, her lyrical crimes are too great to mention, but I will single out ‘feeling 22, acting 17′ which is the equivalent of the difference between ten past and quarter past four. Discovered by Michael Parkinson, which means that he discovered an even more virulent form of Parkinson’s Disease than that which ever afflicted Michael J. Fox. Beloved by Parkinson and people who like Parkinson. Says more than my rants ever could.
Simple Minds - Shite. Sheer and utter shite. Stadium rock, sure, but if only if that Stadium is Stockport County’s. The best thing about the Noughties is that they comprehensively stiffed when they came back.
So, I’m pretty happy with my choices, but let me hear yours!
Filed under: General Stuff | Tagged: Elton John, Melua, Shit music, Simple Minds
Ok, now we’re talking.
1. Travis. Particularly the talentless lead guitarist who never plays anything other than the chords that Fran Healey is playing on acoustic. In the same timing. On an electric.
2. That twat Leon Jackson who won the X Factor. Now, I know this is not strictly the forum for discussing this kinda thing, but it makes me so happy that this whining wannabe has sank without trace. All that pish about (adopt West Lothian middle class accent) “doing it for ma mum”, and “Ma journey” used to get right on my tits. Journey? Mate, you were on a TALENT SHOW. Anyway, he clearly made some money and has zip talent, so he makes the list.
3. Sting. Marathon-shagging-tree-hugging-megalomaniacal-softboy- wannabe Geordie. Fuck right off. And take the tribesman with the big neck with you.
4. The BMX Bandits. I detest these twee, talentless, mummy’s boys. Gave birth to the “cutie” sub-cult. Die. Now. See also the Pastels, Bellend And Sebastian et al.
5. The Beatles. Sacred Cows. Over-rated to fuck. The Stones were much better. Also, cant stand McCartney’s thumbs.
6. Limp Bizkit - oh, where do you want me to start? Music for people who don’t like music. Named after a drinking game whre a group of blokes toss off over a cream cracker and last one to come eats it. Nice.
need to go do some work. back later with more.
U2 ; FAT SINGING MOUNTAIN GOAT WOULD LOVE TO MEET GUITARIST WITH DUMB NAME ,DUMB HAT AND THE ONE RIFF THAT GETS PLAYED IN EVERY SONG TO FORM MEGA-SELLING ACT. AND MAYBE MORE.
“IN THE NAME OF CHRIST,.. PISS OF IN THE NAME OF CHRIST…”
shouldve been how that one went.
snow patrol. good luck to them, but they’re not very good are they?
Whippet - you are wrong about BMX Bandits and the Pastels. And you are wrong about the Beatles.
Garfunkel, as in from Simon and Garfunkel ; I mean,what did he do really? Other than inspire John McEnroes hair and sing “Bright-eyes” once he had been left to his own devices.
Hall and Oates ; they were big for a while though I cant remember any of their songs now. A kind of Cannon and Ball for the crap disco generation.
Now a successful undertakers firm in Scunthorpe.
That wee fud that sang ” Spaceman” ; which was promptly picked up for use in a jeans advert ; and therein is the key to least talent with most return.
This list could go on a while,might take a breath and return to it ;” Parkinsons disease”…excellent.
jawhawker, you can not be serious!
Hmm lets see, Banamarama, couldn’t dance, couldn’t sing. Gave me a mutton sword though.
Danii Minogue (as above)
Korn, just a 100db wall of static noise to me, utter pish
East 17, in particular Brian ‘Bakers Eccy Tyre Marks’ Harvey…took their fashion advice straight from MC Hammer, Ice T and Five Star
…Peter ‘my wifes a big norked hoor’ Andre
Cheeky Girls….I mean wtf!
I could go on but my ears are bleeding
Quite serious about John McEnroe,did you know he had an operation recently for an undescended testicle ;
despite his claim that the ball was out.
What about Queen? Hugely succesfull granted, and all talented in their individual ways, but not exactly inspiring. I’ve always thought that “waynes world”, and Freddy Mercury’s death have kept their light shining long after it should naturaly have gone out.
My mum was a big fan of them as well, and that can rarely be taken as a huge seal of approval, given that she loved the proclaimers too. and cat ornaments. and kevin costner.
Least talent for most success? ………..
How about the entire genre of Rap?
Kylie Minogue…..
those who know me, will be aware that i have harboured a deep desire to get to know her on a very personal level for many years now, but frankly her music is beyond shite.
Doesn’t seem to stop her from selling huge piles of records though. And she also seems to have developed some degree of credibility beyond that of your usual ‘product’ type of person.
As i’ve always said, kylie should be seen* and not heard.
* by seen i mean manhandled** any every way imaginable
** by manhandled, i mean wookiehandled.
wookie, you’re an incorriglibe rogue. But I like you.
The people who put Kylie to the top of charts, sell out her tours etc are, lets be honest, “good with colours”.
With you on rap, jayhawker. Not a decent record cross-genre in 20 years. And whats all that grumbling and jive-talking at the start of the records? Ditto R&B. What a joke that these talentless ass-shakers/wad-wielders/bling-scuffers have appropriated the name of proper R&B from 60s and 70s.
Get a job. In McDonalds. You get a free baseball hat there.
…..oh, and I’d like to fight the BMX Arse Bandits and the Pastels. Myself. All at once. Oh, and throw in the surviving Beatles, too. Can you set it up, Swineshead?
Some excellent entries there, I must say. Limp bizkit, Korn, Sting, east 17, Hall and Oates and Garfunkel are all headed for the Hall of Shame.
I will have to disqualify the BMX Bandits on the grounds that I quite like them and they only sold about 13 records, 3 of which to me
The Pastels are in though. they didn’t have much success, but that was too much.
And Beatle-bashing on ELM is tolerated merely because I’m a nice bloke. Stop laughing!
…oh, and not to forget Primal Scream. I actually like some things about PS, eg the bowie-esque image changing of Boaby G. “Look, I’m Roger McGuinn, oh, now I’m Jim Morrison, no, now I’m Timothy Leary, oops, now I’m Johnny Rotten……oh, ok, I’m Nick Cave”.
Unfortunately, having a good record collection does not a talent make. I listen to their records going…..”there’s a bit of Shadowplay, and a bit of The Stooges, and a bit of….” etc etc etc.
Still, they are quite funny, though.
That s my new name, got bored with “jayhawker”, can someone remind me when I forget.
Dismissing R&B or hip hop as a genre is fucking ludicrous. It’s like saying there are no decent horror films. Utter bullshit.
My own choices for this ELM Room 101 include:
Radiohead - The Bends and OK Computer show a 10th rate Pink Floyd overstretching themselves but making something quite good in the process. Beyond that, utter rubbish. The whole of In Rainbows is appalling.
Lily Allen - Just a talentless berk. An automaton.
Amy Winehouse - An affected jazz voice from a twat (which is much weaker than she’s given credit for) doesn’t warrant a fucking grammy.
*tries to think of more*
i would like to submit for consideration:
Kate Nash
Razorlight
Frank Carter and that mob who pretend to be punks
Hadouken
Slipknot
Shit Disco
However (and I am unanimous in this) please remove the Beatles, I’m sorry but you can’t confuse personal taste with fact. FACT The Beatles may not be top of your record pile but a) I bet you own a Beatles classic and b) they have stood the test of time for generation - you can never call them untalented.
oh and how could I forget - Mariah Carey . she is top of my pile even above Johnny Borrell.
We’ve discounted the Beatles as they’re obviously a class apart…
Hadouken are alright for little kids. I saw ‘em live by mistake and they were surprisingly good.
And they’re not really earning much money, by all accounts, so they don’t qualify for the list.
Lily Allen! She gets right on my nipple-ends.
Blobby Blobby Blobby!
Totally agree with Razorlight/Johnny Borrell, what a magnificent cunt.
As much as I detest the squeeky warblings of the bundle of crazy that is Pariah Cary, I would grudingly admit she has some sort of singing talent, even if does drive dogs fucking mental.
Lily Allen and Kate Nash, both classic examples of giro bucks at work
I nominate Bez.
There are no decent horror films.
Bez is actually so untalented that he goes 180 degrees and becomes admirable BECAUSE he’s made a career despite having any noticeable talent!
There ARE no good horror films - FACT.
Adrian Mole - I’m not having Kate Nash included, because I’d like to bum her.
Did anyone mention Green Day? Worth a shout, surely?
And goodbye Jayhawker, we welcome your new ID!
there ARE no good horror films and the Beatles are shite. Get over it. And rap and R&B is music for female teenage neds. Paris Milton and her mates.
No good horror films? WRONG.
No good hip hop? WRONG.
Beatles are shit? WRONG.
Well, good to see ELM hasn’t devolved into simple narrow-mindedism.
Morons.
It’s as acceptable to hate horror movies as it is to hate rom-coms.
The Beatles are magic.
I quite like hip-hop, though I don’t know enough about it to write with any authority on it.
Nothing narrow-minded about tastes Swineshead, it’s all subjective and that’s what we encourage here at ELM. I daresay they’ll be plenty of ELM readers practically fainting at you slagging radiohead (correctly, IMHO - lost my interest after the Bends and they have yet to get it back.) You know the rules here - savagely argue your case, hopefully with profanity added to some choice metaphors. You are good at it!
Opinions are like assholes so the saying goes.
Personally not a huge fan or the horror genre but would certainly disagree there are no good ones (btw this is a music blog!?)
I also like the beatles but again not a huge fan,
As for hip hop, totally disagree with this one, there is some fabulous hip hop stuff out there. Still have a couple of Jurassic 5 albums on me portable musical thingamygizmo. Also a few tracks from Ghostface Killa and for the UK angle some of DJ Format’s albums (which are absolutely blindin btw, check em out, especially ‘Ugly Brothers’ from his Album ‘If you can’t beat em, join em’)
Top top tunage people.
Let me explain it , for the hard of thinking.
The proposition before us is ” least talent for most success”.
In this respect I would say a cogent argument can be made for the billions of dollars made from rap music (as a particular genre) being a gross example of the above proposition.
You may argue similarly regarding Nashville style country music? Or indeed any other style that seems to churn out factory farmed identi-kit product.
The Beatles ? …….. O.K , but not a patch on Wings though,eh ?
” band on the run….doo..doo..do..do.do.do.do”
rockin` good news.
Sorry to lower the tone, but if we are strictly sticking to the point then its got to be the spice girls - 5 screeching haridans whose only talent being that they were just ugly enough that girls did honestly think they could be them and boys honestly thought they’d have a good chance at potting the brown with any of them.
None of them can sing (except the ugliest one, but by sing, obviously here I mean not break the windows when she opens her mouth) and yet, they make £30million a piece the first time round, then reform 10 years later to cream off another £20 million each with a half arsed world tour.
Bitches.
BTW, don’t want to get into a full blown debate about genre definitions, but rap and hiphop overlap, but they are not the same thing. There’s some pretty good hip hop out there, but there is also some pretty dire rappers swanning around in mink coats with diamond studded teeth.
Good god, man ;
the spice girls?….
I think we have………. a winner!
One-man bands are the most talented blokes. But everybody thinks they are mental! Where’s the justice?
Its not right to confuse spatial awareness and co-ordination with musical talent you know.
Though ,I suppose anyone who can play a song and keep a straight face while banging knee cymbals togrther is to be applauded.
Whats the ideal song for a one-man band to do?
“Bang-Bang…… Maxwells Silver Hammer……” springs to mind.
They only ever do ‘Here Comes The Sun’ in my experience!