Barnets are bastards. We’ve all visited a barber (we are men; women use hairdressers) and been butchered by an uncaring clown who might HEAR the phrase ‘just a trim, please’ but decides on ‘shave the whole thing off in an asymetrical nightmare, please’ instead. But surely the great and good have it better? Surely, the glitterati have access to hairmakers extraordinare? Hell, Morrissey once wrote a song threatening to set his on fire for the crime of failing to give him an appointment. That’s a pretty exacting standard. But evidence suggests that they don’t, or if they do, they have hairdressers who are taking the piss. And so onto the list. these are current, which disqualified Limahl and Billy Ray Cyrus. Sadly.
1. Robert Plant – By Christ, did this man look great in the 70′s. Ripped, implausibly skinny, long hair cascading down his back. Now, though, with his slight ringlets curling down, he looks like a hippy Geography teacher. It’s the haircut equivalent of Page and Plant’s ‘No Quarter’ – it looks familiar, but it’s just plain wrong. Percy, you are better than this. It’s not happening mate. Your music has grown up, let your hairstyle do the same!
2. Ryan Jarman – We love The Cribs at ELM, but this page-boy nightmare will not stand. Looks like it has been cut by a special on work experience in a salon. That said, he’s banging Kate Nash, so who am I to judge?
3. Tim Burgess – Similar to Ryan’s, except dyed an unnatural black and on a forty-plus man. Jesus Fuck mate, get a fucking grip. If a haircut looks like a wig, then it is bad. Tim, you used to be so cool. What happened, man?
4. Matt Bellamy – No. Wrong. Like Brett Anderson didn’t teach us anything. The Muse frontman looks like a strategically shaved rat on Prom night. Deal with it.
5. Tom Clarke – The Enemy frontman looks like Gollum. If Rodney Trotter had sex with a vegetable and it gave birth, he’d look like this. Can’t prove this, but looking at him, I strongly feel he looks like he smells of piss. Get it cut and coloured mate, you know it makes sense.
So there we have it. We are all prone to bad barnets. Now, if you excuse me, I have an appointment to get a perm in twenty minutes.
Filed under: Friday Fives, Regular Features | Tagged: charlatans, Cribs, Enemy, jarman, nash, plant
Dont forget the twat out of Glasvegas.
Not to mention the sad tale of ;
Brian May – “My Nits Hell”.
All Hail the mighty Half Man, Half Biscuit for their magnificent title ‘I’ve the got the Brian May Hair Blues’.
Adam Clayton circa the October album. It is for emergencies likes this that the blade-one-all-over-please was invented and then applied!
That little Enemy runt… he’s a cocky little sod isn’t he? I’m not keen on the sub-Ashcroft air punching and sneering, but give the lad a chance, he’s only twelve after all.
I like Ryan Jarman’s haircut, mind. His choice of companion is far more suspect.